Only In America

I’m the first one to say it’s a great country, but it’s a straaaange culture. This has got to be the only country in the world that could ever come up with a disease like bulimia. Gotta be the only country in the world where some people have no food at all and other people eat a nourishing meal and puke it up intentionally.

Somehow I can’t feel sorry for an anorexic. Rich cunt don’t wanna eat? Fuck her. Don’t eat! I ain’t give a shit! Like I’m supposed to be concerned about this — “I DON’T WANNA EAT!” Go fuck yourself. Why don’t you lie down in front of a railroad train right after you don’t eat? What kind of a goddamn disease is that anyway? “I DON’T WANNA EAT!” How do we come up with this shit in this country? Where do we get our values from? Bulimia! This has gotta be the only country in the world that could ever have come up with bulimia. Gotta be the only country where some people are digging in the dumpster for a peach pit, other people eat a nice meal and puke it up intentionally! Where do we get our values from? I do not understand our values.

— George Carlin

No one fuckin’ knows me. No one gives a fuck. Meanwhile, they’re draining the Pacific and putting up bench seats for Carrot Top’s next showtime special. Carrot Top; for people who didn’t get Gallagher.

Gallagher. Only America could produce a comic like Gallagher who ends his show by destroying good food with a sledgehammer. Gee, I wonder why we’re hated the world over? All these fat Americans on the front row: “Ohohoho! Now THIS is comedy. ohohoho! That Bill Hicks is just bitter. I get tired of listenin’ to him. Why can’t he hit fruit with a hammer? He’s just jealous he didn’t think of it.”

Folks, I did think of that – I was TWO at the time, and I said this is real stupid. Fuckin’ idiot. I could’ve been the young Gallagher in diapers, walkin’ around being a millionare franchising myself, but no. I had to have this weird thing about trying to illuminate the collective unconscious and help humanity. Fuckin’ moron!

Gallagher destroying good food. I guarantee you there’s gonna be no “Gallagher: World Tour” anytime soon. And if there are, there will be no dates in Somalia. I don’t know if those little bags of skin and bones will be able to appreciate Gallagher’s particular wit.

— Bill Hicks


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