The Wicked Christians

(Thoughts on the ONE TRUE religion)
Written by BILL HICKS
June, 1993

I spent Easter in Australia. It was interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same as Christians all over the world – commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a Giant Bunny Rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. (Gee, I wonder why we’re fucked up as a race?). I’ve read through the whole Bible. I can’t find the words ‘Bunny’ or ‘Chocolate’ in the whole damn book. Where do we get this stuff? And why those two things? Why not a goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer? I mean, as long as we’re just making this shit up…

Last night, after my show, a group of people from a Catholic church got up to complain to the management about my material. ‘We’re Catholics, and we’re offended!’ Look, here’s the deal – if I did my show uninvited at your church, you’d have every right to be offended. But… you’re at my church NOW, so shut the fuck up! (All I said was, ‘If the FBI’s motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?’ Geez, it’s like these people never read a newspaper or something…).

More news on anti-abortion activists, or pro-lifers, as they like to be called. If they’re so pro-life, I wish they’d lock arms and block cemeteries rather than medical clinics, and shoot morticians rather than doctors. Then I’d really believe in their commitment.

God, it never seems to end. These meddlesome Christians with their insistence on pushing their dogma and agendas down my throat. Their smug self-assurance, theirs is the ONLY WAY. The legacy of fear and reprisal from their just GOD, whose vengeance rains upon his beloved children like fire and brimstone from the sky. Hallelujah, Brother and Sisters! There will be a mighty comeuppance for those who don’t think like them. And for they who don’t think like we. And for you who doesn’t think like me. AMEN!

And look how well their belief works. Take Waco for instance – the god-fearing ATF storming the compound, guns blazing. The Branch DAVIDIANS returning fire… churchgoing Christians one and all. ‘You can tell a tree by the fruit it bears.’ This fruit lays shot and bleeding, burning, screaming. And both sides, still believing they and only they are right.

Look, I understand the philosophy. I was raised Southern Baptist in Texas! You don’t think I got the message? P-shaw, my Brothers and Sisters! I got the ONE TRUE message. And I know, because this is how I was raised, that even you poor, misguided Christians from other denominations are wrong. So load your guns and prepare to do Holy Battle in the name of Jesus, the lamb of peace.

This is the message of Christianity: Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. (?!?). Or, to paraphrase: I will make your life a living Hell if you don’t think like me.

The first thing the indoctrinated Christian is taught is not to ever question his own faith. No matter how sound an argument is supporting another belief, or debunking existing beliefs, the strength of the argument is proof positive of its evil origins. In the Christian’s mind’s eye, it is Satan’s foremost duty to make them question their own faith and thus make them susceptible to the Dark Lord’s evil machinations. It’s an almost foolproof built-in defense system, for no matter how reasonable, logical, sound, or sure an argument is, if it at all makes one question their belief, it by definition must be evil and untrue. In fact, the only unforgiveable sin in Christianity is to question one’s own belief, or to hold it up to the light of reason. Conversely, the denial of even the most obvious facts that don’t jibe with The Belief is proof positive of the steadfastness and purity of one’s faith.

This is the reason Christians are so meddlesome. And annoying. And… well, unchristian. They don’t believe in God, but they do believe in a Devil. They don’t believe in Heaven, but they do believe in Hell. They don’t believe in Salvation, but they do believe in Sin. They don’t believe in Forgiveness, but they do believe in Condemnation.

It never occurs to Christians they might need God’s word a little more than other people. Or, that they may be among the last on Earth to GET IT. They’re like an annoying child from grade school, who, after learning basic math, goes up to a physicist and tries to convince him how much he’s missing from his life from not realizing two plus two equals four. (‘Thanks a lot for that knowledge, kid. Here’s a bunny and a chocolate egg. I’ll get back to you…’).

So, that’s what I think of the Wicked Christians. And if you don’t believe me, just listen to Jesus himself in Luke, chapter 5, verse 32: ‘I come not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.’

God, I pray the Christians get the message soon…

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